It may seem kind of weird celebrating 65 years on the planet. The age of 65 is no longer a huge milestone. Before the dark days, lol, retirement in Australia for women was 60 years and then it became 65 and now it is 67 so why am I celebrating? Firstly, I didn’t get to celebrate with my friends on my 60th, which I think is a milestone. That was due to the pandemic. I also wanted to celebrate getting my Phd but that timing did not align to either my 60th or my 65th. Anyway, I think 65 is a milestone and I’m very happy to be here.
I recall that when I was discussing knee replacements, I was told to wait until I was 65 and I said what if I don’t make it to 65? I mean there’s cancer, accidents, decreptitude and so on. However, I am here and I feel good. I don’t take feeling good for granted. Some days I don’t feel great physically and even mentally. If I do too much of the wrong thing, I hurt. These old bones but mostly just oesteoarthritis, which the first signs appeared in my early 40s. I inherited it, just like my migraines. So when I feel good I need to do stuff, you know, write, walk, enjoy the day, see friends and family.
I guess now I’m just thinking about things. Friends and family that have passed. Events that shaped me or even those that I don’t remember all the time that come back out of the blue. The things I forget and feel so bad about. I think back and my memory could be pretty bad even in my forties. I think a lot had to do with stress and paying attention. I still only half listen some of the time. Of course my greatest fear is dementia. Both my parents had dementia but I want to have all my marbles if I can.
Although not officially diagnosed, it is quite clear I have ADHD in many ways. I used to be really good at organising but I’m not so sure I have all it takes these days. To be really efficient, you need energy and at 65 reliance on energy isn’t so easy. I also think my strategies don’t work as well as they used to. I am thinking of doing less craft but I haven’t quite managed that yet or actually do a lot of craft. My craft room is a blackhole in which no light can escape.
I don’t know why I can’t get as much done. During lockdown there seemed to be so much time.
I think about life now and how different and complex life is for kids now. I didn’t really start using a computer at home until 2000 and even then it was my then partner’s. I couldn’t afford one before then. Social media was non-existent. We used email chains and chat rooms. Compared to my childhood, kids don’t have time to themselves, time to think and contemplate, it’s just go, go, go. Learn this, process that, news here, social media bombardments.
Personally I have a panic attack if I haven’t got my phone and if I am participating in some sort of event, like the movies or a play or my 65th birthday party, and I don’t touch my phone for hours, it is a feat of monumental proportions.
I didn’t have a television until I was four years old and even then there was limited programming. We didn’t have streaming. We had vinyl records that got played on the stereogram, which was a piece of furniture that included a TV. TV was black and white and we all sat around as a family and watched the same things. It broke down often. Luckily my dad liked SF because we got Lost in Space, Disney on Sundays and Saturdays were the only early morning cartoons etc, Astro Boy, Prince Planet and live action Phantom Agents and Samurai. A lot of our TV came from Japan and the USA. Godzilla! Mr Squiggle was Australian and other programs began to emerge. There were often news items and articles about how TV was destroying the kids. I think my dad called me square eyes. However, my thoughts were that I was learning stuff and that had to be good.
We played outside. Actually not much choice as children were seen and not heard and we were often locked out. My mother used to leave us alone, if my aunts could be believed and I don’t doubt them. I remember being locked in and I was like 3-4 years old. How things change. It was probably not legal then either. Anyway, we kept occupied. I used to go walkabout all the time. The cops brought me home many times when I was just 3 or 4. Later, I just went visiting people and places. The only time I got in trouble was because I borrowed a friends tricycle. He gave it to me but his parent did not approve and complained. I think I got a hiding. You know I’m glad hidings and thrashings are not the done thing these days. I recall being beaten once, being thrown around and thinking I was going to die. Another time I was hit with the belt buckle and I had imprints and bruises up my thigh. The nuns said I must have been very naughty!
At my birthday party, I talked about my elder brother and sister. I don’t remember Ian too much as he was often trying to get away from me. I have memories of following him and him getting away. He was often lumbered with us younger ones to take to the movies. I was too, which is weird because I was too young to look after them and I recall being thrown out of Kogarah cinema because my younger brothers ran around. My sister though I survived. Don’t get me wrong we are close these days but when we were young we did some risky stuff. She used to take me down into the storm water drains but I baulked at the dark tunnels and fretted when she didn’t come back. One day she and her friend climbed out and left me behind. Then they said the storm water gates were opening and I’d drown. I had to run over to Rockdale where the sides of the drains sloped and I could run out. Once she took me up to the train lines and got me to put my head on the tracks so I could hear the trains coming, you know like in the western movies. However, I was a survivor and got the hell out of there as it was a suburban line and the trains were frequent. She was teaching me to spit and one day I spat on her on the way home from school. She was going to get me so I ran and ran and ran onto the road and was hit by a car. She must have freaked because she saw my small body fly up and then down. I was seven years old. Obviously I survived. Why I survived I have no idea. Perhaps I am a cat in another life.
When I was young I never thought about being old. I mean you’re too busy living in the now I think to contemplate that. However, the things we do influence how we grow old. A while back I met an 89 year old lady who was so energetic and had done so much she inspired me. I realised if I wanted to be a spritely old lady I needed to work on that now, diet and exercise and look after my health. If you starve yourself when you are young you get shit like heart problems, oesteoporosis and so on. Also, I don’t think I understood a lot about myself when I was young but do now. Also, I was pretty when I was young and I didn’t even know that or think that. Now I see it but well that’s just a memory now. I also have some kind of body dismorphia thing. I look in the mirror and think you’re such an ugly old hag. But then I see a photo from ten years ago and think I didn’t look too bad, but I thought I was an ugly old hag then. These days I’ve changed the narrative. Now I say you’re looking good today or make your hair nice and so on.
When I was young my life was a mess and I made messy decisions. However, I grew up, made better decisions. I studied and got a degree, a good job, climbed out of the poverty hole because I wanted more for my kids. I’ve since done a PHD but I left school at 15. I hated people thinking I was dumb. Hated it. However, everything you do in life teaches you something. For a writer that’s useful.
Also, things change, views change and these culture wars we are having. I never would have thought they were on the cards. Just like I never thought I’d live through a pandemic. It’s really unnerving because the future seems so uncertain. Things might not settle down before I die. What world will my grand kids inherit? As a writer of SF and fantasy these are scary times because my imagination and past reading set me up to imagine some bad shit. However, I am very pleased about the Australian election and that meaning a rejection of Trumpism, and basically hate. There are other reasons for the win too, but that’s a biggie. Why am I a Labor supporter? I wouldn’t be where I am in life without the Hawke/Keating years. I was able to study and get childcare. University was not free unfortunately and that was a set back for me. However, it was cheaper than it is now to pay for a university degree.
Why am I reminiscing? Shrug. I am meant to have some profound thoughts. Being old gives me a license to blather? I am happy to be here. Some of my friends aren’t. I know my life is more than half over. I’m no longer young and pretty but that comes with life. It’s not an easy transition and you know health and death loom larger than they once did. You have the luxury of looking back on your life and loves. Hopefully not to dwell on regrets. Of course there are things I am sorry I did and did not do. I think now though is for me to do what I can, what I want for as long as I can. I enjoy writing and I have a lot more stories in me, I love my life and my partner and my children and grandchildren and my friends both old and new. I’m working part time and that suits me. I’m a boring old fart who watches way too much streaming and listens to too many audio books and doesn’t read enough or do enough craft or catching up with people. Lol. I’ve just transitioned from a middle-aged geek to an old geek. Eep!
I can still write stories though…for now…
Donna Maree Hanson, Author, Phd in Creative Writing 