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It is coming up on the first six months of my PhD. A friend said that studying/researching for a PhD is an apprenticeship. It’s about learning to be an academic. Once the PhD is achieved there’s more work ahead if academia is the choice of occupation. Or more accurately, if one is lucky enough to get to work in academia afterwards. The message I get here at Uni is there is little work for PhD candidates after awarding of the degree and what jobs there are go to those who are known etc. Mine PhD is in creative writing so year… This is rather depressing really.

Coming from the public sector where in principle jobs are gained on merit, I can’t help react to the idea that it’s not the same outside of the APS. However, I try not to think about it and just get on with the work. Maybe that’s a skewed point of view. Anyway, I enjoy the work, or the research if you please. Perhaps I have faith in people. Perhaps I don’t know what my long term plans are. Perhaps I don’t believe what people say…

So, I have probably rabbited on about this paper I’ve been working on for months now. Yes, it has dragged on and on and on until I think I’m going to go insane or that the paper development, commentary/edits etc will never end. Not doing things right the first time feeds into my internal ‘I’m not good enough motif’. Lucky for me I’m also very persistent and somewhat driven. I have an excellent supervisor who doesn’t let me off the hook. Finally I think there is sunshine on my horizon.

My paper started off with everything I’d found to date about my topic. All shoved in there with big waving banners. Nothing given too much depth. Like a bit of jumping up and down at the beach and saying look at this castle I made before the wave comes in and washes it all away. That sort of thing…

Then my supervisor comments on the paper. In fact it’s an infestation of comment boxes. There’s something not quite right with my structure, he says. Perhaps I should thin it out a bit… so something along those lines.

I chuck out bits of the paper like flicking lint across the table and watching them fly off into the wind. Next go, mmm still not quite right with the structure. Perhaps I should just talk about three or four books in more detail. Perhaps I should reread them…do deeper textual analysis. (I then read some papers on textual analysis). This time I get the scissors and cut the paper like a string of paper dolls, a concertina of vague shapes snapping back and forth. I have to build it up again. I’m told not to throw anything out but start a new document. All that stuff is good, just not in this one paper.

I return to my key texts and start the process of really examining them, taking notes and figuring out how they work and how the issues are discussed within them. It takes heaps of time.  I’ve also continued researching books and journal articles, adding more and more to the critique of romance and feminist critique of romance and anything else that I find interesting about romance. I read  books, thank you Laura Vivanco and Pamela Regis.

Then I find I have a big, huge, lengthy paper that is well over my maximum word limit. I’m struggling with the structure. I’m working late on the paper at uni without even realizing it.  Crazy!

So I know I have to restructure the damn thing. It’s too long and definitely unwieldy.

My supervisor is not available for structure rescuing and nor should he be. I know I can do it. I need distance. I read a paper on Untamed by Jodi McAlister and the structure is so straight forward, bam, bam, bam. I look at my paper. I stop wailing and pulling my hair and think-you can do that. It’s possible. Go with your gut instinct.

I take the paper home with me on the weekend but I don’t look at it. I need space. I go to a funeral and find I’m not up for working on it. All good I say. Distance and thinking is what is required. I talk to my daughter about the paper and about structure generally. Then I go into uni on Tuesday and just do it. The need to cut helps me. I cut things and try to keep it focused. I rearrange, put funny headings everywhere, try to make it flow into a new form. To me I think I’ve done it. I’ve improved it. I’ve focused it. I’m getting the idea.

I realise I am learning. I have been told by the other PhD candidates here at Uni that the first paper is the worst. It’s my first attempt at putting the research, part of it at least, into words and for others to see it. I feel my mind shifting gears. It doesn’t mean I won’t have structure issues again, but I probably won’t quail as much as  I did this first time.

So yesterday I sent the paper off to my supervisor again. It will need a careful read and some tweaking but… My supervisor said the structure was better…I got positive vibes!!! I’m so excited by this. It’s not world domination (there are no spreadsheets involved) and it’s not the cure for cancer but it’s my paper….yay!

Okay so maybe I should calm down…but I am an apprentice. The apprenticeship grind is long. But maybe there is a small improvement in me right now.me with glasses

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Recently, I was offered the opportunity to drive to Victoria and pick up a collection of Mills & Boon books. These were Grace’s books, her romance collection. Grace died about a year ago. This collection consisted of six 80 litre tubs of Mills & Boon. I couldn’t even lift one of these tubs. They are like gold to me for my PhD studies of feminism in popular romance fiction.

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This collection is so exciting for me. So many books. I had so much fun just looking at what was there, discovering. Grace’s collection as originally larger, but some were given away before they ever came my way. However, what I did get held amazing variety.

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Grace’s friend, author Lisa Ireland, told me she didn’t know Grace was a such a huge romance reader until after she died, but her family were well aware. Lisa said that Grace had a wicked sense of humour and a quick laugh. And she was determined. She defied her diagnosis for a very long time.

This collection spans the mid 70s until 2012-13, with lovely gems from the past with lots from the future. I believe Grace loved books, her books as much as I cherish this collection. I hope I’ll get to read them all. I believe Grace grew this collection because she loved the genre, loved reading and a bit like me, a bit of a hoarder. The hoarding baton has passed to me.

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Her brother John said of Grace.

What can I say about Grace Fastuca? How to sum up her life? Grace many Aunty a universal word. The fun Aunty, the wise Aunty. Whether you were or weren’t family.

Grace didn’t judge anyone. Many people have said how she helped them be a better person and this wasn’t just about staring death in the face. It was about taking a person a face value. Not talking down to people, really hearing what they say. About being in and making the most of every moment.

Ten years ago Grace was told she had six months to live and would miss her 40th birthday. So what did Grace do about that? She organized a very memorable 40 minus 3 party to be enjoyed with family and friends.

When Grace wanted to enjoy moments away from the hustle and bustle she went to Anglesea. Nothing can be said that will do justice to the connection she felt for the area, not to mention the amount of Mills & Boon books she bought at second hand stores there.

Grace knew as much about your life as you wanted her to know and vice versa. She was and will continue to be a great inspiration to everyone who knew her.

Grace was one of the funniest people I have ever known. As time passes we all realize how much we miss her laughter, her voice and her ability to cut through it all.

Everyone deserves an Aunty Grace.

Thank you Grace for this lovely collection which means so much to me. I must say that this collection complements the one started by Doreen Watt, from a gift of a selection of retro Mills & Boon to start my reading, which was augmented by Lifeline Book Fair purchases again assisted by Doreen. And also a collection given to me by Debbie Phillips, mostly of Silhouette romances. It is also amazing!

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It took me a few days to sort through this amazing collection. First I just had to look and get excited as I looked at each one. Touched it, wondered over it and then reached for the next one. Then I started roughly sorting the books.

IMG_6500There were many double Harlequin Mills & Boon and I just didn’t know how to file these as they were two different authors and there were so many books. These found their way back into the tubs for later sorting. Then there were a handful of non-genre books and single title books that were more historical romance. These I’ve put aside. I filled one tub with medical romances as I’m not focusing on them. Matthew argues that I should look at them too. I might just not now. Not enough shelves for starts. Then I put them in alphabetical order. I found books from authors I knew about but didn’t have books for. I found I had piles of books from particular authors who I didn’t know but where obviously quite popular, like Sara Craven, Sandra Kendrick, Anne McAlister,  Lindsay Armstrong etc. I also gained a few from authors I did have books for like Charlotte Lamb, Robyn Donald, Daphne Clair and Penny Jordan. My collection of these authors has expanded.

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I had just collected two new book cases so the books went straight in there. My lovely partner, Matthew, lugged the books inside. To my surprise I found them in the lounge and then I was a lost woman and all my plans for the day went out the window. Although they don’t all fit in the shelves atm.

I had to take a break from the sorting as it was physically demanding. All that crawling around on the floor, squatting, crouching, leaning over etc. I scored some Helen Bianchin and then I realized that she was an author I read when I was 19 when living in New Zealand. When I looked through the books I  saw that I had that book. THAT BOOK! And then when I looked up Helen’s bibliography I realized it was her first. It is a great book too. I love it. So I lay back on the couch and read The Willing Heart by Helen Bianchin, then Vines of Splendour and a more recent one, The Marriage Arrangement. I do note though as I’m collecting books in Australia, that there is a bias towards Australian and New Zealand authors. No problems there.

In amongst the Mills & Boon were some older Harlequins, and quite a few Silhouettes. These I have merged with my Debbie Phillips collection in the other book cases. I think there’s a thousand books there. I don’t know. But it’s awesome and the collection will be put to good use in the PhD reading and for enjoyment and my hoarding genes are well aligned.

 

 

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This post my take up a bit of your time. POPCAANZ16 was my first academic conference ever! I didn’t present. I went to sus it out-network etc and to see if I could present next time. POPCAANZ stands for the Popular Culture Association of Australia and New Zealand. It was so fab. Every presentation I went to was interesting and somewhat exciting. For me it was like an ideal SF convention where all the panels added to the view of my world and filled me with excitement that people were actually talking about stuff, about pop culture things that are relevant to the now.

There are a number of streams ranging from fashion, movies, television, gothic horror, crime fiction, creative writing etc. Unfortunately there was no romance fiction stream as they were undersubscribed or so I heard. Also about half the people were from New Zealand.

Day one

There were three streams per day and sometimes the choices were difficult to make. Also, all speakers presented their paper and then there were questions so generally once in the room you were likely to stay. My first stream was the Disability/Gender & Queer on Wednesday morning. The first paper was one on Beauty Contests for Landmine Survivors by Fran Hassencahl. She talked about a documentary about Morten Taavik’s beauty pageant that challenges our concepts of beauty. Apparently Cambodia pulled the plug on the documentary as the victims were symbols of shame. Fran was saying that as a Buddhist country there is a strong sense of Karma and that the victims somehow deserved their fate either in a past life or this one. This translated to very little opportunity for being reestablished in society, work etc. I was quite struck with that. Also that only intact women compete in regular beauty competitions. There have been in recent years some entrants with impairments, such as a  contestant being deaf or wearing in insulin dispenser. But visible impairments not really. Fran was saying that Morten wanted to draw attention to these women’s plight but also that everywoman deserves to feel beautiful.

The next speaker was Michaela Baker talking about Mental Illness and Artistic Creation. She talked mostly about David Bowie’s concept album, Outside. This was an interesting piece about depictions of madness and provided insights into Bowie’s creative process.

The next paper was on Mental Illness in the X-Files by Kimberley McMahon-Coleman. This was an insightful analysis of the show. The role reversal between Scully and Mulder. Scully is the scientist, the skeptic, the logical one a role traditional ascribed to the male protagonist and Mulder is the intuitive, feeling one. However, Mulder is invariably right. Scully gets kidnapped a lot. What Kimberley was highlighting in her talk was the medical model of mental illness with the immediate listing of symptoms, that anyone with a mental illness was immediately discredited/testimony discredited by Scully and then proved right by Mulder. She also talked about the depiction of Autism and how wrong that was. That Autism wasn’t a mental illness but a communication disorder.

The last paper in this stream was on post-racial feminism by Holly Randell-Moon. Holly used a portion of Angela McRobbie’s (2004) paper in her paper and also about recent debate about People of Colour (POC) and about how whites don’t acknowledge their whiteness. My thoughts on this paper was that some delving into McRobbie’s position. I’ve read McRobbie (some) and she’s very interesting but she reads to me like a radical second wave feminist, using Marxist analysis. I also think that as a white from a dominant white culture we don’t want to draw attention to our privilege. Just my thought there.

After a nice lunch where I tried to talk to people I didn’t know and succeeded, I went to the Film stream. First up was Sequential Multimplicity in Franchise Cinema by Tara Lomax, a phd candidate. This was the most technical of the papers for me and also interesting. I mean Marvel right? She talked abit about Marvel’s transmedia strategy and the groups of writers that keep track of the stories and copyright etc. Apparently DC didn’t want to copy Marvel’s strategy but that may be changing. This speaker was very enthusiastic about her topic and ran out of time. Next up was Exploded Views by Pansy Duncan. My notes are going to fail me here, but the essence of this for me was the study of explosions on film from the 1900s to the present and how they have evolved and that the new ones were going in upwards directions instead of down. Apparently in Independence Day movie, the first came down, the second just hovers, but in Xmen Apocalypse the bits of Earth go up. I’m going to keep an eye out for those. Seeing the Future of American Industry by Christian Long. He talked about John Carpenter’s film, Escape from New York and the politics in there. He discussed the crime rate in the 1970s in New York in the lead up to the film. He also talked about in this future envisioning, the USA could live without its financial centre.Inside the prison of New York lack of industry lead to problems. Kurt Russell (Snake) was to rescue the president to make world peace. The irony is that when saved the president shoots the baddie with glee. A very enjoyable paper and I must watch more John Carpenter.

Next I ducked into the Fiction:Words on paper stream. “It’s all in the detail” Historical crime writing by Jean Anderson. Jean talked a lot about the paratextual in historical crime novels, that is the text on the outside of the book, blurb, about the author etc. In the novels she discussed there was an effort to establish the author’s authority through the non fiction they published or academic career etc. Some part of the talk was on the recipes in some of these novels and also how if an author gets this wrong who responds. Most readers won’t notice but some do and will let you know. Jillene Bydder talked about Icelandic author Arnaldur Indriaason and the detective Erlendur. I know have to read all these books and the Icelandic sagas. Jillene did a comparative analysis of Arnaldur’s books and the Icelandic sagas. I’m to start with Jar City because that talks about the DNA project that is going on in Iceland. Next was Beatrice Dahl: JG Ballard’s Hidden Heroine? by Tracy Clement. Again an excellent talks. Tracy is doing her phd on the book, The Drowned World. I recall she said it was a fine arts degree which included sculpture and her doing an additional chapter of The Drowned World. Utterly fascinating and another book on the to read pile. Next up was In Search of Australian Noir: by Leigh Redhead. More books on the to read pile. Hannah Kent Burial Rites. Anyway, for me an introduction to what noir is. Negative ending.

Day two

I was a bit late. Bus caught in Sydney traffic so I only caught the end of the first session and I chose the big room because I would be less conspicuous on entering. This was the performance stream and I only caught the end of Tilda Swinton: Performing Fashion. Apologies to Karen De Perthuis the presenter. Lorde, Lady Gaga and ‘Authentic’ David Bowie tribute by Alison Blair was entirely enthralling. An analysis of the two performances and the reaction, particularly on twitter. Lorde’s performance being the most appreciated. The crux of the matter for me was that Lady Gaga was performing David Bowie and sensationalizing him and Lorde performed as herself singing Bowie with a low key and respectful performance. Who knew this stuff was so interesting and complicated? Costume, Condertfeit in Neil Armfield’s ‘King Lear’ by Julie Lynch. I met Julie first up and she’s from NIDA. Her first time at this conference too. This was an eyeopening talk that discussed the costumes used in this performance but also a bit about the Sydney Theatre Company, particularly under Cate Blanchet and co.

Next session I ducked over to the gothic horror stream. Dining at the table of (cultural) horrors by Lorna Piatti-Farnell. Some interesting preamble about eating and manners and how we have manners because eating is violent. Loved it. She talked about a move, The Sushi Girl. Another movie for the to watch pile. She deconstructed some horror tropes for me which makes me thinks I could watch some. The Gothic Heart of ‘Hinterland’ by Emma Doolan was an exploration in settings and liminal spaces. She discussed the series Hinterland set in Wales and yet another DVD series to watch. To end that session was (Im)moratlities of Style in ‘American Horror Story’ by Samuel Finegan. Again for me a refreshing look at a genre that I don’t gel with normally. He explained this so well and how ‘camp’ the horror was. We have some of these at home so they have been star rated for watching with my partner, Matthew, who loves horror movies.

After lunch I switched to Television because of Zombies as you do. First up was LIving with Zombism in ‘I Zombie’ by Kayleigh Murphy. I hadn’t really been aware of this show. And yes another one on the to buy pile. This was an interesting analysis of this TV show and what zombies are embodying-social fears etc. I Zombie apparently is about stigma and living with disease or something else that can be hidden but is not socially accepted. It is a show that is focused on young people too. I won’t spoil it for you but I’d love to read this paper. Hopefully it will be in the conference proceedings. Gender in ‘The Bachelor’ New Zealand. Interesting and I guess typical of those shows. Performing gender. Lots of good quotes for Judith Butler which I appreciated. Thank you Ximena Smith. Utipic Spaces and the Rewritable West in Mad Men by Grace Torcasio. I’m not a watcher of Mad Men but I have heard of it. This talked about the spaces New York and California and how California served as a type of holiday space, a place where the character (Fred?) could reinvent himself. I hope I got that right. I’m working off memory here.

The last sessions were hard to pick but I left Gothic and Horror and chose History/journalism/religion mostly because first up was Ritualistic Societies and the Neo-Victorian Perspective by Matthew Thompson. He talked about Downey’s Sherlock so I’m cool with that. Second reason for this stream was Sue Green’s talk Knitting Needles as Weapons of War. I’d chatted to Sue before but I’d already picked this session. I mean Knitting Needles! So yes this was fabric, textile paper with a feminist perspective. It was quite eye opening as it discussed knitting patterns and how they were used to manipulate women, even in their language. Women knitted socks and other bits for men at war. One million in WW1 and 3 million in WW2. Also was the change in patterns after the war, particular WW2 when they changed from utilitarian to lacy, feminine things. Also the new look and corsets constraining women back into the home after working in men’s jobs during the war. Loved this. Please, please universe put this paper in the conference proceedings. Some great historical images in this talk too. IN the program there is a session listed, The Dispute is Not About Oil, by Michael Potts. I’ve got nothing for that. I was either transported to another reality while he spoke or he wasn’t there. Last up on day two was Warhol’s Religio-Secular Incongraph by Jewell Homad  Johnson. This was fascinating. I had no idea Warhol was religious! Ta daa! And I had no idea someone tried to kill him and that person was from SCUM (society for cutting up men). Now I have to read the manifesto because I had no idea. Interesting piece. Nice work Jewell.

Day three (last day)

Filled with the proceeding day’s awesomeness and post Alex Caine Series book launch at Galaxy Book shop, I made it in only a little late. Again bus, traffic etc. The first talk was Gothic Wedding Cake Decoration by Carmel Cedro. This garnered so much discussion. I decorate cakes as you know. I’m probably the kind of person who would put a bleeding heart on my wedding cake. I’m geek and I’m proud to be so. Apparently goths express their identity with these cakes. Carmel said the rest of the ceremony is very traditional except for the cake. Just google gothic wedding cakes and you’ll see. It’s a thing but mostly USA centred apparently. The Frankenstein Myth and Deals with the Devil by Naomi Von Senff. This was an interesting talk. The only problem was the speaker spoke so quickly, reading off her paper that it’s impact was lessened. Naomi did a analysis of novels with the Frankenstein myth but said there wasn’t much in recent novels. If you know of some let her know. She’s on Twitter maybe. I have two unpublished books that deal with the Frankenstein myth…as in resurrected monsters type thing. Weird Tales and Monstrous Subverions by Cory R Walden. I’m drawing a blank here. There were pictures! Sorry I’m going from memory. He did do the talk but I need a hint to trigger my memory.

After lunch which was very yum, (Great catering at Sydney University Village) was the visual arts stream with Socialist Realism (un) popular culture by Ryszard Dabek. This looked at socialist realism in art and architecture. Those North Koreans are weird. Soda_jerk’s science fictional Aesthetics by Andrew Frost. I have to look into this art work, by these two anonymous artists. Apparently they mine the edge of copyright infringement taking bits of film and reworking it. Fascinating. Hurrah for Art! 20th century popular culture by Eric Riddler, which was a picture stream with commentary that was very encompassing. Last up was Arabic Appearance in a Predominantly Anglo Culture by Cherine Fahd. A very striking paper about how we use visual cues to judge, probably incorrectly. The main part of her presentation was a series of photos in black and white with white background with men with dark hair and beards. The men wore the beard by choice not for religion and not all were of Arabic/middle eastern/sub continent decent. The main upshot from this presentation was could  hipster beards coexist with the jihad beards. Some mentions of people being beaten up for having a beard and being mistaken for middle eastern or jihady or terrorist beards. A thought provoking session all up.

Last sessions were on biography & life writing and girlhood. The Militant Suffragette by Anne Reddacliff and Rachel Franks provided a good overview on the Australian suffragette story with a focus on the holdings from the State Library of NSW. Some excellent sources provided. Hateful Eight Contains the Uncanny Power of Girlhood by Juliette Peers. This was an amazing presentation but somewhat over long. This was due to this session not having a chair or the chair not being able to communicate with the speaker. Not sure which. I haven’t seen Hateful Eight, nor Carrie or The Exorcist, which were part of the analysis. After hearing the talk and the images I don’t want to either. Juliette put a pretty powerful argument about this movie. Little Miss ANZAC by Anita Callaway was an interesting exploration of a (for me) lost work. A children’s story that features a beleaguered wooden doll. It was very evocative of the effects on war on men, I think, but as Anita pointed out, the illustrator died before the war and the book was renamed. She also showed us illustrations from the author and the illustrator (I think) but very interesting stuff. Finally, Hashtag Skater Girl: Pop Culture and Extreme Sports by Jessica Jackson. As an aside I introduced myself to Jessica and we got talking. She’s a writer too. It was her first conference and her first presentation. She’s African American, the elder of identical quadruplets who were adopted. I’m going to check out her books. She and her siblings are writing books together. Link below. Jessica had to have given one of the best presentations at the conference. She didn’t read from a paper but spoke to her slides very eloquently. I was very impressed obviously. Her talk was about skaters, what we call skateboarding, and also surfing and snowboarding. She looked at the treatment of girls in the sports by men, the funding arrangements which prejudice women and the lack of take up of the sports by women. (I hope that is right, Jess). And what a way to end the conference.

So I’ve only given a very short impression on what these sessions were about. I was engaged throughout and I wish to thank the organisers for all their hard work. Great venue, great speakers and topics. Also, I should note that there is GANZA, The Gothic Association of New Zealand and Australia. ganza.co.nz and they are on twitter @GANZA_Official

There is currently a call for papers for their conference in Auckland in January.

Also, what the hell is the Uni of Sydney doing closing the Sydney College of the Arts!

Links

POPCAANZ here

GANZA here

And if you want to keep in touch with Jessica and her three siblings, her blog is here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I say this quite a bit these days. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older and I want to learn so much, do many more things that I can see that I won’t do all of them. It’s not possible. I would need many lifetimes to do that. Even then the world is ever changing. Is that what living forever is like? No wonder I love reading and writing science fiction and fantasy and paranormal romance. Within fiction there are no boundaries.

I thought I’d having something interesting to say. This last week with the PhD has been about admin and also trying to work out how I can talk about the fiction I’m reading. I have to learn to be more academic, pick a position and analyse with that mind set. That’s hard. Not too hard, but requires some mind bending. I can no longer just be enthusiastic! Also, there’s that paper I’m working on…

I finished the revision of The Crystal Gate and sent it to beta readers. I fear I have some more hard work ahead of me to make this novel all that it could be. A kick up the bum from beta readers usually galvanizes me, particularly when they tell me things I know I think is a problem but I’m not listening to the little voice that told me so. I thought I would rip into The Ungiven Land straight up…but alas…I’m a slacktard. There’s 50,000 words sitting there and I haven’t even read them through let alone drafted more words. I guess I’ve been resting my brain…maybe…actually I’ve finally finished listening to The Magician (Raymond E Feist). This was an Eighties’ classic that I’d never caught at the time. It’s high fantasy, elves, dwarves, dragons etc, but it  has something else too which caught my interest. My main problem is that I didn’t like the narrator. I can’t pinpoint why. It made the 35 hours of listening a bit hard, not impossible though. It was Audible and my first time really not enjoying the experience amazingly.

On the Argenterra front. I ran a Goodreads giveaway for the print book. I have no idea how that translates into book sales, but I think not many. However, five more people are following me on Goodreads. Waves! Thank you. Hundreds of people have added Argenterra as a ‘want to read’. I’ve sent three books out, one to Canada that should arrive quite soon and two in the UK, which Amazon says will take a few weeks to organise. Book  Depository haven’t got Argenterra listed yet as it can take 6 weeks for them to get it up. Maybe if the readers are generous they’ll do a review. Totally worth it for the possible reviews and exposure.I thought it would be nice if 500 people entered the Goodreads giveway and 866 people did and that’s awesome.

I joined Kindle Boards. Lots of advice and information there. It is possible that if you spend too long there you might grow a beard and find the world has moved on a hundred years.

Other bits of procrastination this week includes seeing X-Men Apocalypse. I really enjoyed that despite missing Days of Future Past. It was massive in scope. I liked the action and I also liked that it stopped for the emotional stops. I ate more chocolate this week than in the last year I’m sure. I re-watched North and South  (BBC 1975) starring Patrick Stewart’s hair. It was a nice way to pass a wet weekend with my niece visiting.

Now back to the PhD.

 

 

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This morning I went to the dentist to get my chipped tooth fixed. I now have my smile back. It was a small chip to my front tooth, but it happened just after I gave up my extras health cover. Anyway, the damage wasn’t too bad financially. I will have to be careful about what I eat in future. Given my weight gain, I could probably stand no eating!

I’m at the stage of my PhD where the more I read the more stupid I feel. There is so much to know about the world and I know I haven’t even touched a 0.000001 per cent of it. I feel like if I open my mouth something stupid is going to come out. Or does come out. I know this is untrue of course! I’m not entirely stupid! (just marginally or slightly stupid, lol) It’s just that I’m dwelling in some emotional gutter where PhD candidates fall after the first splurge of excitement. I want to know everything about my topic! I can only do a small portion of what I’m aiming for. Live with it!

Writing/drafting an academic paper was like sliding a stiletto around my insides while singing the national anthem. A relief when it is over. I will be getting comments from my supervisor to get it to the next stage so I’ll just put the stiletto over here so it’s ready for when I need it.

I had a wonderful long series of dreams/thoughts about my creative piece for the PhD. It was the most rounded piece of imagination in relation to it, that I might even draft a rough outline. Today, I’ve printed out an article that the lovely Russell Kirkpatrick recommended to me after I was whining about how hard Gender Trouble by Judith Butler was to understand, particularly when she starts dissecting the psychoanalysts. Butler’s book inspired lots of creative thoughts for my fiction piece. I may not get it all into my head, but it was thought provoking. The article is Taking Butler elsewhere: performativities, spatialities and subjectivities by Gregson, N and Rose, G, 199. It’s right here in front of me.

Another issue I find is that I have to reread articles and books. I take notes, of course, but then on rereading I see other things that I’d missed before. This is because the reading expands your understanding and then you read something else and make further connections until you get an ‘aha’ moment.  I have a lot of reading done, heaps more to do but the thought I may have to read it again. Eep! Add to the that the suspicion that my reading mojo is not quite up to par yet. Retention is difficult at times. I need to find the right balance of stress and relaxation so that my retention is better.

I have a few retro romances waiting for me to read them. I find I am developing preferences and dislikes. I don’t think movie star love stories thrill me much. The lifestyles of the uber rich likewise, unless written by Roberta Leigh because she excels at that stuff. The stories with  a young, ignorant nanny employed in the Bahamas doesn’t do it for me either, but there might be exceptions. I don’t mind the cowboy romances. Usually the dude is not a rich guy, machoing over someone. This is based on only limited number of books so far. Marriage of convenience stories are usually not bad. A lot of my selection appears to be Australian and New Zealand romances (funny that) and they are usually different from the English ones. It appears I have no Helen Bianchin so I’ll have to get some of those.

In other news, I went to listen to Dan O’Malley being interviewed by Colin Steele last night about his new book, Stiletto. The theatre was packed. Dan was amusing (as ever) and the signing queue long.

The Goodreads giveaway for Argenterra is progressing well. I’ve not ever done one before. I will post back here and let you know how it goes and what it means in the wash.

The link to the Giveaway is here.

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So this week has been busy!

My son who works in China developing computer games was visiting this week. So there was him and grandchildren and daughters and stuff.

I read mostly romances this week and following on from my previous post, most had no social issues. The Charlotte Lamb I sampled were full on Bronte channeling with a rampaging Heathcliff in one. However, at present I am reading a Love Swept title featuring a deaf hero so of course it deals with discrimination. So I have a happy face.

My academic paper will be back in front of me on Monday. I was taking a breather and waiting for comments from my supervisor.

As for Canberra, it was chilly this week although today is glorious!

And for the other me, Dani Kristoff, this news.

 

 

 

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I’ve always known about subjectivity. I like something. The next person doesn’t. Sometimes I’m at a loss as why they just don’t get that fab book or that amazing TV series. It’s subjective. Right.

So what does that mean exactly?

This is a self-exploration so I don’t have any academic texts to back this up, except maybe a vague reference to Bourdieu-type thinking such as ‘reflexivity’ and ‘habitus’ (but I’m new to this so don’t roast me)

I’ve been reading retro romances right. A few of them make me angry, uneasy or just bored. Most I love for many reasons. I was thinking about the ones that trigger my dislike.

For instance, creepy boss love affair stories. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. Why is this so? Office romances happen. My previous partner was once my boss, but not my boss when we got together. Actually being a workmake is probably what allowed us to get together because it wouldn’t have happened that otherwise. Not that I had the hots for him when he was my boss. Anyway….whole subject awkward!!! So why then do these stories creep me out that little bit. I had been thinking before I recollected my office romance that I didn’t fancy any of my bosses (apologies) but yeah…nah!

When I got my first office job in 1976 with a stockbroker, they were all like fuddy, duddy old men and one fuddy duddy old lady (first female stockbroker!). The girls weren’t allowed to wear pants. Yeah that’s how conservative they were. I remember one day coming in wearing a jump suit. My job was to give the big boss his coffee as soon as he sat down, otherwise yelling would ensue. So I romp in with a coffee and a good morning smile. I get quizzed about what I’m wearing. I say, “It’s a jump suit.” The boss says,”Next time you wear that you can jump out the window.” Anyway, I digress. Memory digging will do that.

This morning I remembered my job before the office job. I had a short stint as a hairdressing apprentice and I was sexually harassed. I was dragged into the change room by the owner of a hairdressing chain and quizzed about my sex life. It was weird. He didn’t touch me. He made me very uncomfortable and I was at a loss at what to say. What sex positions do you like? Do you like having sex? etc. I was bloody 15! I kept clear of him and was sacked soon after.  Actually some of these questions he asked  and approaches are in those dark, Italian type retro romances. The salon I worked in at the firm did contain a harasser.My bestie at the time also had an apprenticeship and was molested often by her hairdresser boss who was married.

Oh dear! I’ve just remembered another job where that happened. In New Zealand, I worked for a car company in the service department. I was the only woman and I was touched up and perved on all the time and commented on. Finally I stood up to them and then they got the shits with me. Lucky I quit no long after.

So while my many years in the public service provided a harassment free workplace , there were times in my dark past when it wasn’t so. And these retro stories take me back to that time in a big way.

The other thing that I find that triggers me is the violence. Just about all the books have the man grabbing the woman by the upper arms or shoulders and shaking her. Lucky they didn’t break the woman’s neck. Anyway, one particular story where the woman cried out in pain. He was really hurting her. And he’s like I’m sorry, it’s just that I love you and want you only to be mine. I’m like egads! Domestic Violence! All my flags go up. It had been a promising story until then. My note say something like. ‘Creepy ending with potential abuser!’

I grew up with domestic violence and I’ve experienced it first hand, especially the jealous boyfriend who broke in to where I was living and smashed me up. So yeah. Subjectivity!

I’m sure I’ll find more things that affect my objectivity as I read the retro and contemporary romance fiction. I certainly found that objectivity can be difficult to maintain when I read the article by Peter Darbyshire about the Love Inspired imprint! A few posts ago.

If I apply the above to other readers then it is easier to understand why people react in different ways to books or films. They are shaped to a large extent by their experiences and their environment, like I have been. I try to overcome this when I’m aware of it.  If anything, study has lead me to ask these questions of myself. Why do I think that? Or Why do I have that reaction?

 

 

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Last week I worked out that I was being too intense and trying too hard and that I’d burn out. Today after a four day weekend, I’m feeling relaxed but alert.

Today’s chore is to review all the research proposal material to submit it for ethics approval. The ethics approval process is very long. I would have given up on it I think if not for my supervisor Tony knowing what was to go where. Thanks Tony! I want to ask some romance readers and writers questions but I have to do the same process as if I was going to take tissue samples from them and combine their DNA with animals. Sigh!

But now that it is close to being done, I’m feeling quite good about it all. I would like a year of researching books and academic articles before formulating my questions but alas I have to think them up now. At present I’m hunting for some definitions of strong, female heroine in relation to popular romance. If you see one please give me a hoy! I’ll need this to do my introductory seminar but it would also be useful for the questionnaires.

When I’ve tidied up the above papers…quite a few of them, I need to start working on a paper to be included in a conference. I don’t get to present this paper as there are too many other people wanting too and well I’m just starting out so I’m at the bottom end of the pecking order. It is fantastic though that there is so much romance scholarship that there is an oversupply of presenters. However, I can write the paper so it can be peer reviewed etc. I wrote an extract in February. Now I have to get my head back into that space and write the bloody paper.

Meanwhile reading lots of articles etc which make ideas percolate all the time and sends my mind into hyperspace and back again so rapidly I spin on the spot.

image

Me, mother of swords, Queen of food

so I’m just doing the day in the life of a PhD candidate thing because that’s what I do these days.

PS We just blitz-watched Game of Throne season five. Nooo. Not Jon Snow!

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I’m just over two months into this PhD and I’m gaining a few perspectives into the world, as you do, and myself too.

Yesterday I read an article by Angela McRobbie and it made me think in new ways about the world and what we do to each other. This is the title of the article:

Notes on ‘What Not To Wear’ and post-feminist symbolic violence, Angela McRobbie, The Editorial Board of the Sociological Review, 2004, Vol 52, supplementary issue. (McRobbie, 2004)

It’s not the first article that got me thinking either or feeing emotional or just mind blown. Yet it was the first time I felt that I could do the methodological analysis required. Something slipped into place. McRobbie uses Bourdieu’s cultural capital to assess the changes in TV and the way females exist in this day and age. I need to understand Bourdieu and apply his framework to my own work. Now I think that’s possible. This article only came up when I googled Bourdieu and Popular Culture. It hadn’t stumbled upon it elsewhere.

The other realization I had this week was about pacing myself. I’m an intensely focused over achiever, well I tend in that direction. I can’t do that every day. I just can’t. Not for the next three years. I realized that I had to try and moderate myself. PhDs are self-directed and unstructured. You have a supervisor to provide advice and some direction, but basically it’s up to you to get the work done. For me that means trying to get it all done in a month, maybe two with constant reminders that I have three years. Three years doesn’t seem long enough sometimes. I’m enjoying it. But I don’t want to over do it and end up not enjoying it.

So the hardest lesson will be striking a balance of too much and too little and let myself breathe a bit.

Going to uni most of the week is really helpful. I thought it wouldn’t be but I find I come here and work and I’m not tempted to do housework. It will surprise you to know that I haven’t cleaned the house since I started this. My partner, Matthew, thought I’d go on a cleaning frenzy but I’m just too exhausted when I get home to do that. I’m even cooking less. Some chronic pain issues aren’t helping there either.

Guilt about attending the Jane Austen Festival over the weekend and Thursday and Friday, has lessened now that I come to this realization. I must pace myself. A little bit crammed in each day, is better than shoving heaps of info into my head and then having a brain explosion.

Balancing out the technical with reading retro Mills & Boon is helping too. That doesn’t feel like work at all. Filling out my spreadsheet is work though!

 

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In case you missed it, the Australian Romance Readers of Australia  (ARRA) hosted me for a blog post. Here.

I just want to say what a professionally run organisation ARRA is and how useful their work is. I really hope to make the conference in Melbourne in February 2017. Romance fans should check them out!

 

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